I am creating this blog in attempt to find out why I am struggling with my weight my entire life. There is a skinny girl in there someplace and I am bound and determined to find her and reveal the real me. The years have gone by way too fast and I have yet to really start living. I do have a wonderful family but worry that I have held them back because of my own insecurities hiding behind my weight. I was fortunate to find a wonderful man to marry but I am sure that it hasn't been easy for him being married to a girl with so many insecurities. How does one find a remedy for insecurism? First off I am going to start from the beginning and move forward. How long have I had these issues and when do I first remember being like this?
Okay so here goes: My first recollection of being absolutely terrified and insecure about my life was at the ripe old age of 5. Up until then life seemed to be pretty sweet. My mother decided to go back to work and sent me off to Elementary school to start Kindergarten and I found myself in an unfamiliar place. The kids were okay, but not too friendly. I am sure that is because everyone was trying to figure out why they were there? Also I encountered many mean teachers at this school. First memory was before school arrived 30 minutes before bell rang by bus. My older brother and I were very close and hung out but I gather he was a bit of a trouble maker because the teachers did not like nor did they trust him. This particular morning I had to go to the bathroom super bad. I must have forgotten to do my business before I left for school and it was super horrible to say the least. I remember standing in line by the steps with all the other kids in different grade levels. I had to go super bad so my brother took me inside the school to sneak me to the bathroom. Kids were not allowed in the school before it started....as we almost reached the bathroom, the meanest teacher approached us scolding and yelling to go back outside. I was crying and trying to inform her the reason we were inside and she would not listen. As soon as we got back to our spots in line outside the school doors, I pee'd my pants. I was wearing a dress and tights. The pee went down my leg and filled up my shoes as well. I was mortified and embarassed and the rest of the kids in line labeled me as poddy pants. What a way to start your career in school? So there you have it first experience in public around others not so good. So that is a common story I am sure many of us have gone through right...so why does it stand out in my mind so vividly? I wonder??? My second memory is around the same age and I remember my brother and a friend of his rode their bikes to another town without permission. It was a weekend and my mother could not find him anyplace. Back in the 60's the area we grew up was not that populated but we did have long side walks from town to town. My dad went looking for him and when he found him there was hell to pay. I remember my dad going crazy on my brother after they returned home. I remember him beating him and kicking him so bad that my poor brother crawled under a table that had our TV on it. That began a series of fearful encounters with my father. He was a confusing man...one minute he was kind and loving but yet forceful with his affection in a way that was uncomfortable. No he was not perverted in any way but it was difficult to understand why he would go into fits of rage. It progressively got worse as I aged...and by the time I was in 5th to 6th grade I understood that my father had a severe alcohol problem. When I was about 8-9 years old he had an injury to his back and had to have surgery. He was addicted to pain meds for awhile and then after the doctors stopped perscribing he reached out to what was the easiest fix...alcohol. This would take our family down a path of total pain and suffering. So now I look back and know that I did not have any kind of praise reinforced in me growing up. Watching my mother cower to my father and his behavior and then experiencing his rage was very frightening for a young girl and I might add my brother into this equasion as well. So now it comes to food....were does food fit in. Well I think that my mother would feel very guilty for allowing me and my brother to experience my dads fits and she would go out and buy us treats....she along with us would devour huge banana sundaes or share a box of Ding Dongs. As my brother and I got a little older, middle school years, we would scrounge up what change we could find every day after school and walk down to the nearest gas station and buy a can of Pepsi along with what candy or chips we could afford. We had no supervision so instead of eating healthy snacks that is what we did. Also we grew up in the Pacific Northwest and it was always gloomy and wet outside. So we sat and ate our snacks and watched re-runs of Gilligans Island and the Munsters day after day. No exercise no healthy snacks. By the time mom got home from work it was make a quick meal so we usually had hamburger helper or some other fattening/sodium enduced food. I was about 110 pounds when I reached middle school and by the time I reached my senior year of high school I weighed about 150. Now most ladies my height would say that is good but when you are surrounded by girls who weigh 100 pounds at graduation and all the guys are slim this may create a problem for young girl to feel accepted. So there I went on to eat my way into happiness. I did finally meet a nice young man my senior year of high school but he had been out of school two years already. I felt as if I found the best guy around. He was very popular in high school and he was my prince charming, so-to-speak. After dating several years I came to find that he had no ambition and most people looked at him like a loser...so therefore I was a loser for dating him. Problems started in the relationship due to my overwhelming insecurity to be accepted and feel worthy. I jumped to a whopping 165 and kind of stuck there for most of my twenties. I was a little pudgy around the middle and my thighs, hips, arms all needed to be toned. Did I know how to exercise? I had PE throughout my years in school but that was usually team sports etc. The only thing we had back then was the Jane Fonda workout. I tried it but it did not work. Then I heard that we had aerobics in town while in Beauty school but I was too embarassed to attend...I thought I had to wear one of those nylon tight thingies and that was just to revealing for me. So as I am writing this I am realizing that the majority of my problem is and has always been what others think? I should take my own advice that I give to my daughters and realize that those individuals might not think twice about me and nor will they remember any of the things that I dwell on. So there you have it...my first lesson to help me with my insecurities is to simply not worry what others think. Easy enough said...how does one do that?
